a childhood experience: Second Chance[part 2]

You see, when i was just a little girl...before that had happened, i hated more and had loved less.
fickle minded as i was.
childish.
i hated my parents, my siblings, my school, my  teachers, my classmates who always bullied me, my classmates who were greater and prettier than me
my friends, my house, my place, myself
i remember refusing lunch with my whole family because I was upset with my mother
i was hugging a bamboo post,
crying
screaming
"dae mo man kaya ako love"
{awkward}
i was almost always a downfall
i never had a baon when i was in preschool, kinder and elementary
one time when i was a kindergarten pupil in Evangelical School, it was recess
i sat in my desk
all alone
scanned my book
then a parent approached me
"mayo kang baon??"
"mayo po"
"dae ka tinatawan ni mama mo?"
"dae po"
"tano man daa?"
"..."
"dapat ne dae ka na naglalaog kung mayo kang baon, magreklamo ka ki mama mo pag dae ka tinataan baon"
"?!"
...
what kind of advice?!
tch!
...
i always disliked it being left alone in the classroom without anybody to talk to during recess breaks
i always avoided eating.
my mother had hard times making me eat that it almost comes to a point that she has to force me and argue with me and run around the house
just to make me eat a maximum of THREE spoonfull of healthy food
sometimes it takes hours just to make me finish three spoonfulls
sometimes i end up crying because i really did not want to eat

i was bullied frequently when i was an elementary pupil
i remember running out of our classroom with tears flowing from my eyes towards my mother
and begged her not to leave me and stayed outside the classroom for the first period...i hated school

i hated myself because i was ugly, never looked at the mirror, never fixed myself
i was not appealing to other's eyes, i was a disgusting person
had only less than five friends
my classmates never wanted to have me in their groups
i was like discriminated
my teachers saw me like i was an eyesore
they did not want me in that school because i had old shoes
i was not presentable
i was rejected emotionally & physically...i hated them
nobody liked me...i hated myself

yep i had the second chance but i never thought about it like a second chance before
i knew God but didn't believe in Him
i just didn't care about anything at all
i did not know His plans or anything about it
i was not aware about "PURPOSE"
i never cared about knowing myself
i was distant to people

i don't speak during family arguments
but i think of thoughts that kill
i think of words that stabs like daggers
i was ill hearted
i wanted to grow like my eldest brother
and i wanted to be like him

after graduating, i stopped for a year
taking care of my youngest brother was the perfect excuse
but the real reason why i had agreed was that i was exhausted with all the schooling
i was tired of the people around me, sick of the lies that had held me
i was lost...i needed time to find myself...to recover...to relax

a year after, i took the entrance exam in LHS and passed
the students knew me right after because i was the top notcher(chamba)
and because my mother was a faculty member of the Lab High School
everything started to change
everything was lighter
i had the chance to have the attention i was searching for in the past
had more friends
had a great relationship with my professors
made it on FRC's
(when i was in elementary i was always late,
sometimes when i arrive at school late, when i'm at the gate, i don't go in
i'd wait until our class dismisses in the morning that's when i'd go home
i skipped classes
made lame excuse letters-stomach ache, head ache, had to take care of my brother, etc-when i fail to attend class
such a big fat liar
faked my parent's signatures for assignments
had sevens and reds in my class card
i was useless before)
but when i became a student
i avoided absences
did no longer make fake excuse letters
neither did fake signatures
had better academic performance
still did not bother combing my hair, did not bother ironing my uniform
but i began using powder and cologne
someone appreciated me for who i am
i began smiling
hated less
loved just enough
but was carefull

i was forced to join YFC
and so i did
i was bad at socializing
was bad at making friends
hated places with too much strangers
i was not fond of going to large gatherings
...
they taught me how
i learned to love what they wanted me to love
next thing i know
it became my cup of coffee
my bread and butter
it was the greatest twist in my story
i became less of the person i was before
i learned what "PURPOSE" was
what God's plan was
who I was
what He wanted me to find

life then was not as easy as before
challenges and problems came much often
living became harder
you'd always have to consider what's right or wrong
had to almost always as possible, commit to the covenant that you had pledged
had to think about others and set aside myself
temptations became more and more appealing
but i tried to keep myself from eating those sugarcoated stones
sometimes i admit i still fall out of place ending up doing the same mistakes
that's what makes things a lot better
why??
because you know you have the "family", the community who would always be there to pull you back up on your feet

He gave me that second chance because He knew that i haven't had felt what I am feeling right now,
He wanted me to feel the greatness of His love.
He wanted me to know that I'm not useless...
I was just lost.
He gave me that chance because He knew He would not forgive Himself if I'd die with a torn soul,
embarrassed of herself, insecure, loner, not finding a way back home and
Him not being able to find me a way back to Him.
He wanted me to live because He wanted to feel what kind of love I could give if I'd find the light,
the way that leads to Him.
Just now...I have realized how stupid I was before.
It just feels so great;
so satisfying knowing that He was scared to loose me that early.
It's just good to know that He's always there to SAVE us.

Ngonian...college na ako...ma 4-years na ako sa community(YFC),
halos 11years na ang nakalipas kang tig taan akong 2nd chance...
ngonian ko lang na-realize ang purpose kadto...
ngonian ko lang natanggap na para palan to sa ikakarahay ko...
iyo makulog si nangyari(nagkaphobia pa ngane ako magbalyong tinampo hanggang hayskul)
pero see?I learned...
grabe binago ko...
sa pagklase...sa pakikitungo  sa pamilya pati sa luwas..

Now I hate to accept it but yes...
I'm still struggling....
I still hate much...
I get easily pissed off...
pero I struggle...
for CHANGE and I hope i'd have all the time I have left to change and be able to make it in time...
before it's all too late.

People learn...to take chances...
to fall and get back up again.
change takes time
healing takes time
...a lot of time
people are fortunate enough if they'd been given a second chance to make the wiser step forward

{G O D B L E S S}